WHAT’S UP, EVERYBODY? Now that you’ve had your fair share of Star Wars content for the month, let’s shift gears back to comic books! I’ve got just the thing to stoke the fires of superhero admiration with a brand new segment I like to call “Rug Ratez!”
I got the idea when gazing at my beloved cow print pattern rugs. Choosing a bunch of certain characters, I will rate them using rugs, with five rugs being the highest, most radical amount of rugs I can bestow. My rugs are a premium product. The more you have, the more superior you are! Did I mention I may be filing for bankruptcy soon?
Anyway, let’s get things started with one of my personal favourite superheroes, Robin!
“But Crazy Davis,” I hear you cry, “Robin isn’t a superhero, he’s a sidekick! He’s nowhere near as cool as the real superheroes like Batman or Superman or Plastic Man!” to which I would reply “You have a point, no one’s as cool as Plastic Man, but you’re also wrong!”
While it is true Robin wouldn’t exist without Batman, he has grown and been developed by a plethora of writers that have expanded his role well beyond being Batman’s technicolour bullet sponge. Robin has become a legacy character, meaning more than one individual has worn the mask and while I love them all dearly, some Robins deserve more rugs than others.
I’ll be rating the Robins based on how well they function with Batman, how they’ve grown without him and how radical I think they are. These factors will all add up to their final Rug Rating. Without further ado, let’s get cracking!
ROBIN NUMBER ONE – DICK GRAYSON
Embarrassing name aside, Dick Grayson was the Robin that started it all, the once and future king of all things Bat-Fam related. If it wasn’t for Dick, the number of ass-kicking vigilantes on Batman’s crew would be at an all time low.
Dick Grayson worked well with Batman for many, many years. This is probably why the majority of Robins you will have seen outside of comic books are in fact, Dicks (Must… suppress… laughter…). He was the grand opening of the Boy Wonder and defines what Robin means to Batman in its purest form. Yes siree, the original dynamic duo were truly unstoppable.
Until the day that they weren’t. Dick got fed up with a supporting role and struck out to become a star of his own and boy oh boy, what a star he turned out to be. Dick Grayson became the solo vigilante Nightwing, the sleekest, smoothest and raddest crimefighter with the best ass in the business. Seriously, look it up. Nightwing is literally famous for his booty. That alone gives him at least two rugs.
Dick Grayson was always a little dorky when he was Robin, and that has rubbed off on the majority of people, people like that jerk in the beginning who said he wasn’t as cool as Plastic Man. But Nightwing? Nightwing is a stand out character in his own right, an individual that forges his own path as an independent man and looks good while doing it.
RUG RATING – 4 out of 5 RUGS
ROBIN NUMBER TWO – JASON TODD
The literal red-headed stepchild of the Bat-Fam, Jason Todd never quite fit the scaly green underpants and pixie boots of the Robin costume. Violent, angry and impulsive, Batman brought the little runt under his wing when he caught him red-handed stealing the tires off the Batmobile in the hopes of making him something more. But he made him dead instead.
When he was alive, Jason functioned as a half decent replacement for Dick, though he was very rough around the edges. This led to a lot of tension and butting heads between the Bat and the Bird, resulting in a fairly rocky relationship. At the end of the day however, they were a good family. Until Jason found his actual mother and went on a quest that ended with the Joker, a crowbar and an exploding warehouse. Batman lost both a partner and a son on that tragic day.
But hark! Jason’s story doesn’t end with his death. Few superhero stories do. Through means that are varied throughout multiple incarnations of Batman lore, Jason Todd came back from the dead. He adopted the identity of the Red Hood, a mantle previously held by the Joker, and waged his own war on crime with a small amendment to Batman’s no killing rule i.e. lots of it. Coming back from the dead, stealing the name of the murderer and using it to kill even more criminals so it could never happen to you or anyone again is the most hectic and insane thing a Robin could do and nobody does it like Jason. With a combination of Batman’s training and his own lack of mercy, the Red Hood is a twisted avenger and a perfect example of how a Robin can go wrong.
But as you can see from my drooling over him, a Robin going wrong is just so right. It’s the epitome of a perfect character reinvention. From a routine replacement to an awesome anti-hero, I just can’t get enough of Jason Todd. He may have been a one and done Robin, but he absolutely slays as Red Hood.
RUG RATING – 4.5 out of 5
ROBIN NUMBER THREE – DAMIAN WAYNE
I’ll admit, I have come around to Damian over the years. He was really sprung upon us, being Batman’s actual son, usurping Tim Drake’s role as Robin almost immediately and being more than a little lax on the No-Killing rule, it took me a long time to actually like Damian.
So what made me give Damian the thumbs up? His Dad. Not because he told me too, but because of how he’s been treating him. The biological connection helps a lot, but Batman is willing to teach his son the ways of the Bat and Damian is now willing to learn. Even if his years of assassin training cause him to make the occasional murderous slip-up, he’s coming to terms with his tendency for lethal force and wanting to change. Who better to help out than his own dad?
But how does he stack up by himself? Well, I’ve read a little of his solo series and he seems to hold up his own. But he’s nowhere near as interesting as his fellow murderous brother, Jason. In fact, he’s basically just a mini-Batman, and given that I find the Robins far more interesting characters than Batman himself, I think that Damian has inhereited his Dad’s disinteresting effect on me.
Despite this, he’s got a great medieval-looking costume and a kick-ass katana. Sometimes his abrasiveness plays off well with his more jovial brothers. But when it comes down to it, I’ll leave him with to his adventures with Batman.
RUG RATING – 3 out of 5
ROBIN NUMBER FOUR – TIMOTHY DRAKE
Man oh man, now we’ve hit the good stuff. You’ve been waiting for this one, haven’t you? So have I. This Robin ticks so many boxes I don’t even know where to start. How about we start with the fact he figured out not only Batman’s identity, but also Dick’s and Jason’s by watching Dick do a triple somersault on TV. Or when Damian replaced him, he struck out on his own to go search for a presumed-dead Batman? Or when he broke out of an prison that was between time and space itself?
Hell, even just the fact that he’s perfectly happy being a Robin. He’s well on his way to being the world’s greatest detective after Batman and destined to become even smarter. Before Damian came along, Tim Drake and Batman were a well-oiled machine, coming just as close to level of ubiquity and recognition than the original dynamic duo. Given that Tim never moved on as far as Nightwing or Jason did, he settled into his role and brought his a-game, even redesigning the Robin costume into its second most recognisable form, doing away with the green undies and throwing out the pixie boots.
However, because he’s been Robin for almost as long as Dick, transitioning into his second identity has been less smooth. He became Red Robin, donning a strange costume with an earless cowl. He’s currently wearing an undeniably ugly brown costume as Drake, which is a terrible code name because it literally exposes his identity. Do you think Spider-Man would ever become “Parker”? No, he wouldn’t. Anyway, the point is that Tim hasn’t flourished as much in his second identity to the degree that Nightwing and Red Hood have. Only time will tell.
Tim more than makes up for it in other aspects of his character though, he even has his own supporting cast in the likes of his crimefighting companion Stephanie Brown AKA Spoiler and recent adversary Ulysses Armstrong AKA The General. Tim Drake deserves all the love he gets and more, any story that has ever involved him has consistently delighted me.
RUG RATING – 5 out of 5
HONOURABLE MENTIONS
STEPHANIE BROWN
Steph is better known as Spoiler and even Batgirl, depending on your preferences, so to put it politely, let’s say that those roles suited her a lot better. But this post is about Robins, and she was a Robin, so she definitely deserves a shout-out.
As a Robin, she butted heads with Batman frequently and disobeyed him a fair few times, as she was still used to being a solo act. This led to her being beaten to death by Black Mask which brought her career as Robin to a pretty sudden stop. However, she also came back from the dead and left her time as Robin behind her.
So as a Robin, Steph couldn’t quite cut the mustard. But since she’s so much better as anything but, I’ll give her a balanced amount of rugs
RUG RATING – 2.5 out of 5
CARRIE KELLY
Don’t have a Bat-Cow, man! Ay Caramba!
Look, I’ll be honest with you, I haven’t read Dark Knight Returns in yonks, but people seem to like her, so I thought I’d bung her in somewhere.
She’s got a slingshot, that’s cool. And her design influenced Robin in the LEGO Batman Movie, so she’s got that going on for her as well…
I don’t know, gang. Give her your own Rug Rating!
RUG RATING – ????? out of 5
Wowee, what a list! It certainly was a lot longer post than I intended to write. Guess that’s a testament to how much I love Robin! Besides, these new segments have gotta start strong and I couldn’t have chosen a better candidate!
Is there a group of characters or an individual you’d like me to give some rugs too? Let me know down below! I’ve got a few ideas for the next one but I’d love to hear your input, fellow carpet fan!
Alright, better go sew those rugs I cut in half back together and sell ’em at my next clearance sale. See you next week, Rugaholics!
Holy Homicide,
CD
WORLD OF MADNESS 