IT’S FINALLY HERE!
The long awaited conclusion to the most heart-racing, adrenaline pumping and action packed Clone Wars story ever told is finally here. I’m more excited than a cyborg general who’s added another lightsaber to his collection.
I’m pretty pumped, how about you? It’s been an amazing couple of weeks going through this series, thanks for a hitching a ride on this hectic story train with me. Because now we’re at the final stop!
Quick recap: Asajj Ventress is dead… or is she? Obi-Wan thinks not! So drags Anakin along with him to the Outer Rim to look for her.
Surpise! They find hardcore Jedi killer Durge instead. So Anakin throws him into a sun and using the severed head of a droid Obi-Wan, finds out a Separatist Army are on Boz Pity. Obi, Ani and the Grand Army of the Republic invade the planet in a big ol’ battle royale. Obi-Wan sneaks off to look for himself and just what does he find?
Ventress. He finds Ventress. She’s definitely alive. Dunno why a whole army’s worth of spies couldn’t figure that out but hey, there ya go. At least Obi-Wan gets to be smug about it all.
But there is no time for smugness! For Count Dooku is in the house. He swaggers up behind Obi-Wan and tells him Ventress survived purely through her hatred. Obi-Wan politely disagrees and says it’s something to do with her fear and despair. Now, I’m no Sith (not yet) but I reckon burning hatred and a desire to murder Obi-Wan is a lot more motivating than being a bit sad. Case in point…
Smash cut to the battlefield outside. The Republic forces are digging in their heels. Adi Gallia (Headdress Jedi-Gal) is too busy striking a dramatic pose with Alpha and some other clone boys and doesn’t notice General “Sneaky” Grievous lurking in the background. Before they can say “Evasive action!” the jolly grim cyborg decimates the Clone Troopers, cripples Alpha by stabbing him through the torso and kills Adi.
If you ask me, it’s a better way to go than how she dies in the tv show i.e. being impaled by the horns of Darth Maul’s brother and then stabbed in the back, but being whacked by Grievous is still pretty brutal.
Mace Windu clocks this and becomes very cross with General Grievous. Grievous unwisely taunts Mace Windu, thus leading to Mace striking Grievous down with great vengeance, furious anger and a STAP, one of the Battle Droid’s flying thingies.
Alpha is taking his injury like a champ and asking for a gun despite the fact he’s literally paralysed. Anakin wonders where Obi-Wan is. Obi-Wan answers this by crashing through a nearby window, followed suit by Ventress. Anakin ignites his saber and threatens to kill Ventress again. Obi-Wan slaps him on the wrist and tells him they’ll never reach her with a lightsaber, they have to appeal to her good side. Unfortunately, it happens to be buried deep below layers upon layers of brainwashing, conditioning and the dogma of the Dark Side, all thanks to Count Dooku. Good luck, guys.
Where is Count Dooku, anyway? Oh yeah, he’s getting ready to totally blow this joint, with or without Ventress. He bumps into Mace Windu and sends him tumbling down a hill by getting his Magnaguards to pull him down. Pretty embarrassing, Mace. Next thing you’re gonna tell me is you let someone throw you out of a window. Like that’d ever happen. Anyhoo, Dooku’s posse manage to find Grievous, who is looking pretty hammered.
After that pretty impressive kick, Ventress runs after Dooku. Dooku makes a pretty bold choice and orders his Magnaguard to shoot her. Apparently because she’s ‘too far away’ and ‘she might become a prisoner.’ Dooku, if she’s close enough for you to shoot her, then she’s close enough to get to your damn escape shuttle. Furthermore, you went to all this effort to get her resurrected only to shoot her immediately after. I don’t know, man. Seems like a dick move, even for you.
As Ventress lays on the ground, Obi-Wan rushes up to her as Anakin tries to catch up to Dooku. Obi-Wan calls out to him and explains that Anakin is basically the same thing as Ventress, only if Darth Maul had raised him instead of Qui-Gon. I feel that’s not strictly an apt comparison, but it seems to work. Besides, Count Dooku has already fled.
Asajj, while dying, tries one last time to kill Obi-Wan, this time with a bit of shrapnel. Anakin catches her in the act and manages to kill her a second time with a lightsaber slash to the back. Bully for him. But Obi-Wan actually says Anakin probably did the right thing this time, and it was he that was right all along. Yet Anakin helps himself to another piece of humble pie and says he only did it because he was scared Obi was gonna die…
With her final words, Ventress finally succumbs to her wounds and dies for real. Obi-Wan’s quest is finally over. The medical frigates start flying as the battle is wrapping up too. Anakin sends Alpha off to a bacta tank and Obi-Wan sends Ventress off to Coruscant for a nice funeral. As Anakin ruminates that today doesn’t feel like a victory, Mace Windu chimes in with this gem:
“In any war, the only decisive battle is the last one.”
Whatever the heck that means.
And so, with the battle over and brothers reunited in war, Anakin and Obi-Wan set off to—Wait, hang on. There’s an epilogue.
Okay, now we’ve finally reached the end of Star Wars: Obsession! What a fantastic journey it’s been. With highs such as Obi-Wan’s bad ass armour and Durge kicking ass and only a few lows like improbable hyperspace mechanics and Count Dooku treating his henchwomen like disposable napkins. But through it all, we’ve had a lot of fun.
This May the 4th will be one long remembered in the history of Crazy Davis and even Star Wars, as I made it last for the whole dang month. If that doesn’t make me one crazy-ass fan, I don’t what else will. Apart from turning the carpet shop into a Star Wars themed restaurant. I think I’ll write that down.
Thank you to the folks of Bone Moe for their unconditional and unsanctioned support of this blog, Connor the editor who tamed my wild and frantic prose and all you lovely folks who spent your time reading this love letter to a near-forgotten side of Star Wars I just had to share with you. See you all next week and if you need a carpet or a novelty desert shaped like Chewbacca’s head, look no further than me! Crazy Davis! Ciao!
Stay Forcey,
CD