Written by guest journalist Percy Barker
The Spider-Man fandom are losing their collective minds for what seems like the six millionth time; the presence of a certain individual on the set of the latest cinematic outing for the ol’ Web-Head has caused speculation to run wild like a pack of rabid beavers.
While hanging upside down from the gutter of a high-rise in Connecticut – the film site of the film’s filming – a particularly eager and unhinged Spidey fan snapped a blurry shot of a man in a grubby apron, shortly before the gutter gave way and the fan fell to their death.
The man in the photo has been barely identified as Crane Deucher, the renowned proprietor of Deuche Foods. Deucher has been in the film catering business since 1981, but one particular client of his has caused an absolute uproar among the world wide web of Spider-Fans. Deucher’s food truck is well known for having a constant presence on the film sets of none other than Sam Raimi, acclaimed director of Darkman and Oz The Great and Powerful. Oh, and the original Spider-Man trilogy starring Tobey Maguire, too.
Deucher’s presence comes as no surprise, as it aligns with other contingents from previous Spider-Man films being spotted on the same set. So far, there have been reports of Emma Stone’s stunt double, Kirsten Dunst’s dogwalker and even Donnell Rawlings, famous for his line: “Egad! He has swiped that woman’s burrito!”
Every day, it appears more and more familiar faces are joining the production of Spider-Man No Way Home, resolutely confirming that it will finally unite all three live action Spider-Men on the big screen.
Or maybe it’s a symptom of a rabid fanbase using arbitrary connections to justify their obsessive desires into reality through nothing more than desperate willpower.
The film’s actual director, Jon Watts, has been notably silent about the appearance of more than one Spider-Man in his film. Conversely, Raimi has been quite vocal. His comments mainly consist of telling people to “Quit fucking asking me about Spider-Man”, “I’ve got my goddamn hands full with Doctor Strange 2” and “I’m begging you to watch literally any other movie.”
While Raimi’s statements do not confirm whether or not Maguire’s Spider-Man will be in Spider-Man No Way Home, he hasn’t said that Maguire won’t be in the film, which is all the fuel the fanatics need for their manic theorising.
Marc Webb, director of the Amazing Spider-Man duology starring Andrew Garfield, has also declined to comment, and was last seen boarding a plane to Guatemala.
Sony, the chief company that holds the movie rights to Spider-Man and all associated entities, have explicitly addressed and dismissed the rumours that either of the previous Spider-Men are slated to appear in the latest movie. However, this has provoked a collective delusion in fans who interpreted Sony’s statement as merely the dismissal of a rumour and the official confirmation being delayed by juuuuuust a few more months.
At this stage, nothing short of the second coming of Jesus Christ descending from the heavens and saying “Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield will not be in Spider-Man No Way Home” will convince these rabid Spidey Stans.
But that still probably wouldn’t convince them anyway.
More updates swinging your way.
This article was edited by the sensational Connor Schmidt.
Also, I know it’s kind of late, but April Fools everyone!
WORLD OF MADNESS 