HERE’S A QUESTION for you all: What is your favourite super hero origin?
Take your time, I’m not going anywhere.
Right, now answer me this: What is your favourite super hero story?
Okay, once you’ve had a good thinkin’ session, think some more about how your answers relate to each other.
Unless your answer to both questions was Spider-Man 2, chances are your choice of origin and favourite story didn’t match up at all, and I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Yet what I do think is this: In the grand scheme of things, superhero origins don’t matter.
I mean, they matter a little. A bit of context and motivation never hurt anybody. But the origin shouldn’t be the make or break of a character: What comes after the origin is the truly interesting part. I believe a character should be defined by their actions in the present, whether or nor they’re influenced by the events of their past.
The two super hero origins which I believe are evidence to the contrary are the origins of Spider-Man and Batman. These origins both involve an anonymous criminal and a young boy suffering the loss of a parental figure (or two) which motivates and shapes the rest of their life, either spurning them to maintain a code of great responsibility or learn karate so they can beat up a murderous clown.
But look at any other superhero origin and try to convince me it has the same level of emotional impact.
Yes, Superman was rocketed off his exploding planet, but then he lands in Kansas and is raised by farmers! Boring!
Green Lantern gets a magic ring from a dying alien and receives his powers on the spot. Snore!
Moon Knight nearly dies but decides to get back on the horse and become the personal hit man of a moon god. Cool, I guess.
While these other origins nearly always involve death or a last minute reinvention and a call to action, they’re not all that exciting. That’s why you’ll see these origins being retreaded countless times to add some extra beef to them. But I’m telling ya, it ain’t all that necessary.
Another counterpoint that can be raised is the coming of age story. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is a fantastic origin story for Miles Morales which outshines his comic book origin by, well, miles. But that origin has the advantage of A) Being the focal point of the entire movie and B) Playing upon the well-established origin of original recipe Spider-Man. It has the advantage of a strong foundation and a movie format. A lot of super hero origins do not have that luxury. Sure, Shazam! was a good enough movie, but a kid who can turn into a super hero by saying a magic word is more of a novel and amusing concept than a tragic backstory.
Some super heroes don’t even need origins. Because they were born with their powers and have kicked ads since the beginning. Does the name “Wolverine” mean anything to you? He went for years without having one and we all know what happened when one was finally written for him (2011 was a bad time for us all). Hell, the entirety of the X-Men don’t even have a proper ‘origin’. All you need to know is they were born different, they go to school, and fight evil.
Origins don’t even matter in real life, people! Do you ever stop and look at your best friend and wonder “Gee, what a great guy. I wonder what the exact circumstances of his life were that led him to become this exact type of person.” If you do think that, you’re weird. You should just be happy that they’re a cool dude you can hang out with and not define them by the sum of all their past experiences. That’s for them to do. All you have to do is decide to like them in the moment.
So the next time you sit down to watch Batman’s parents die for the one thousandth time, think about your other favourites and ask yourself why you like them.
Is it because of their heavy and comprehensive backstory or is it because of what they do in the present moment, regardless of where or what they may have come from? Food fro thought.
Basically, what I’m saying is don’t obsess over the joys of an IKEA instruction manual; Enjoy the Lommarp in its completed state and all the fun you can have with it.
But what about super villain origins? Don’t even get me started. I’ll save that for another post. Until then, I’ll catch ya next week!
For too long, the heroes in a half shell have gone unnoticed on this blog. This makes no sense in the slightest, due to their persistent presence in popular culture since the 1980s, so believe me, it was only a matter of time before I got to talking about the lean green fighting machines. I believe it was Jake Peralta himself who once said “I’m gonsta talk about the turtles.”
In terms of Crazy Davis, the TMNT have been an impenetrable bastion of fun, entertainment and inspiration in my life since I was 3 years old. Never before has a franchise endured so much adulation from yours truly or perfectly represented the foundations of my very soul.
The tenets which bind the core of the franchise to my essence have lead me to live my life by the values that the terrapin tribe of four posess. Conveniently, they can be summarised by a verse in their 2003 television show, an obvious favourite of mine.
ONE: Live by the code of the martial arts
TWO: Never fight unless someone else starts
THREE: Always stick together no matter what
FOUR: If all else fails then it’s time to kick butt!
Is that not just the most universally applicable philosophy for all aspects of your life? You bet your bippy it is.
Not only do the TMNT effortlessly bleed into real life with their ubiquitous way-of-life, but they also blend into other franchises so well you don’t even bat an eyelid when you see them in an issue of the X-Files comic.
They’ve had crossovers with the Ghostbusters.
They’ve had crossovers with the Power Rangers.
They’ve had crossovers with frickin’ BATMAN.
There is no one the Turtles can’t touch. Their reach is nigh infinite.
I’m sure you’re wondering what the point of this post is right about now. I am too, in a way. But maybe that is the point. Maybe the TMNT are such a novel concept that they bind the very fabric of the universe together. I don’t see any other logical explanation. Seriously. Because the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles defy logic too.
Just picture it; How do you think a pitch would go for a serious, Frank Miller-esque, violent story about ninjas in New York that are fucking turtles? Ninjas are well known for their speed, their swift motions and instantly vanishing into the night. Turtles are well known for chewing leaves very slowly.
But despite the sheer, baffling absurdity of this premise, they have survived to this day. They continue to stay relevant. Whether its through the baffling nature of the idea alone or the fact that they constantly receive fresh updates every few years.
They’ve been to space.
They’ve been mystical ninjitsu dragons.
They’ve been on a live musical tour with denim jackets instead of shells and fake guitars (please don’t ask).
So you see, I love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And why I can’t force you to love them like I do (because you can’t), I can at least make you understand how much they mean not only to me, but to pop culture and the world at large. At the end of the day, no matter what trouble you find yourself in, the turtles will always have your back. As the saying goes:
“Time to apply some turtle whacks!”
Hmmm. That might not be the best quote to—Ah, whatever. You get the idea.
HOW ABOUT THAT? Smells like another episode of the Crazy Davis Case Files!
It’s either that or the dead possums in the roof. But since I’m petrified of enclosed spaces and zombie possums, how about I crack open another tale from the mysterious black box that showed up out of nowhere in my shop one day.
This one looked fun! It came in a shiny metal case with all sorts of flashing lights. Must be from the electrician’s next door. Well, if they want it back, they can come get it! Until then, give it a gander. I like to call it “Galactic Labor” because all the good Sci-Fi titles were taken.
An unsettling bang erupted from the back of the ship. The pilot flicked a nervous glance over his shoulder from the cockpit, before returning his attention to steering the ship. The laser gate separating the space station’s dock was becoming a little closer every second. You could probably chalk this up to the fact that the ship was moving with considerable speed. An unreasonable speed for docking. The pilot half grimaced and half grinned. He tapped a button to activate the ship’s intercom. Nothing happened. He pressed it a little more firmly. Sparks soared out of the console, singeing his finger. He swore and slammed a fist on the dashboard. The communications array woefully flickered on.
“Hey-Hey. It’s Visitor J – 138 requesting an express landing here.”
The intercom spluttered out the station’s reply, impeded by heavy static.
“What? Look, never mind. Send your best firefighters. And maybe a blanket. Over and out!” As he said this, the intercom exploded.
“I think they got that. Do you think they got that?” he yelled, turning his head to shout at his passenger, a beautiful woman with a sea of aggravated veins on her face.
“I’m busy, honey!” she gurgled, then resumed her rapid breathing. The ship shuddered violently.
“Yeah I know! I’m just really pumped up! We’re having a kid! We’ll have our own little trifecta! Isn’t that great?”
“It would be—if we survive.”
“Oh ye of little faith. We’re practically the—” An explosion swallowed the sound of his voice as the ship was hurled off course, just to the left of the laser gate. He swore louder and tried to wrest control back. The ship lumbered like a drunken whale, but he managed to veer it back towards the dock.
“Vik! The flames are licking my elbows!” said the woman, clinging on to a rusty handrail jutting from the wall.
“I’m busy, honey!” said Vik. The laser gate was imminent now, and it flickered from red to green. Vik gunned it. The ship floundered into the dock with all the grace of an elephant on fire and smashed into a mountain of supply containers.
A few minutes later, the firefighters managed to extinguish the wreckage. Then they pried open the cockpit. Two exhausted parents and their bawling newborn infant were huddled up in the front seat.
“Mazel Tov.” said Vik.
Wasn’t that exciting? Maybe not as exciting as, say, Star Wars The Rise of Kylo Ren, but still a good enough crack at a Sci-Fi tale, I reckon.
Anyhoo, time to go buy some scented candles. Some strong ones.
Well, I’m assuming you at least have a passing interest in them, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. If you’re here anyway, welcome to a maddening world of fantastical worlds, compelling characters and colourful spandex.
Superheroes represent a better side of humanity, one which I’m sure we’d all love to strive towards. In universe, the innocent civilians looks up to them as invincible saviours in a world constantly under threat.
Yet how many times have superheroes proved they aren’t invincible? How many times have we seen a superhero die? Yes, they can be brought back from the dead at the drop of a hat, which is an unfortunate consequence of the genre. However, there are other ways a hero can be down for the count. What about when they want to retire? O when they grow to be physically incapable of leaping buildings in a single bound and have to settle for hopping over a little dollhouse or something? That’s where the sidekick comes in.
Sidekicks get a pretty bad rap for being amateur versions of the mainline heroes and are dismissed as such. But as discussed in my last post , Robin, the original sidekick proves sidekicks are every bit as valid (if not more.) as any superhero.
In fact, the term sidekick is almost an archaic term in modern superhero stories. Mainly because the sidekicks have all grown up since their first appearance and have become heroes in their own right. In fact, the word has become a derogatory term willfully enforcing the idea that they are lesser than their superhero mentors
Okay, but what should we call them?
Young Justice is a peerless example of taking the sidekick concept and absolutely tearing it down and building it back up again. While DC has always been at the forefront of putting teenagers on the front lines, Young Justice decides enough is enough, it’s time the ‘sidekicks’ were put in the limelight, not a laser sight. A team of young heroes tied to their respective mentors but operating independently is such a refreshing and unique way to channel the effectiveness of the sidekick concept. By playing upon your knowledge of the main superheroes, it focuses on their pupils, their disciples, who represent their emotional human side. Because who’s more emotional than a teenager?
Another very important thing that Young Justice taps into is the idea of legacy. In fact, DC comics in general are all about legacy. Marvel less so, but we’ll get to that. A fair amount of DC superheroes have their proteges i.e. Superman has Superboy, Batman has Robin and The Flash has Kid Flash. Both master and apprentice have similar powers and skill-sets and it is expected that eventually, the apprentice will surpass their teacher and either inherit their identity i.e. Wally West ‘graduating’ to the Flash, or they forge an entirely new one i.e. Robin becoming Nightwing.
Through these two methods, new heroes are constantly being raised and trained to ensure someone’s left to protect the world and a generation of heroes always persists. Legacy heroes sometimes don’t even involve a familial relationship or even a master an apprentice one, such is the case between characters like Blue Beetle and Green Lantern, who have had multiple people of multiple ages hold the superhero identity across the years.
As a side note, Marvel differs in that there is usually no inheritance of a title or previous state as sidekick. The chief counterpoint to this is probably Bucky, who was basically introduced as Marvel’s answer to Robin and then killed him a few decades later in 1968 as a potential stab at DC about the dangers of teen sidekicks (only took DC two decades to kill Robin, so message received?). But generally, I have found that Marvel isn’t hasty in making its heroes bequeath their superhero identities to successors for very long. The longest standing example I can think of is Captain Marvel, who had to be Miss Marvel for many years until the male Captain Marvel died and she was ‘allowed’ to take his name.
Generally, Marvel hasn’t needed to employ the use of children to assist the adult superhero because they just cut out the middleman and make the superhero a teen to start with. Spider-Man was a teen when he started and he’s been steadily growing ever since. Instead of proposing legacy titles for younger heroes to work towards, Marvel tends to have its younger heroes have unique identities or straight up take the name of their older counterparts and just share them, which I personally believe isn’t as effective in marking them as distinct characters, but that’s just me.
Whether you enjoy your mainstream heroes more or their teenage offshoots, one can’t deny that they’re all still super in their own way. While the young ‘uns may be beset with teen angst, immature humour and derivative costumes, at the end of the day they still share plenty in common with their older counterparts. In a way, they’re more refreshing and authentic than some of your more morose superheroes. As Artemis and Robin once said to the android hero Red Tornado, who wanted to learn how to become more human:
“You couldn’t do that with the League. They’re stiffs”
“You’re sure not going to learn emotion from Batman. Trust me.”
I’ve learnt many wonderful emotions from the younger side of superhero antics. And I’ll continue to rely on them for more emotionally resonant stories than I’m ever gonna get from the likes of Batman. No offense, the guy is a bit of a stiff.
Well, that wraps up another long winded yarn. Definitely played a little loose with the structure just so I could better express how I feel about sidekicks without adhering to any strict conventions of writing blog posts. When has Crazy Davis ever followed the rules?
Speaking of structure, the roof is leaking again. Damn rats in the roof again. I’m gonna go cave their heads in with a rolled up Siberian Special Winter Mat. Don’t worry though, I’ll wash it off once I’m done and when I sell it to you, you won’t even know the difference!
WHAT’S UP, EVERYBODY? Now that you’ve had your fair share of Star Wars content for the month, let’s shift gears back to comic books! I’ve got just the thing to stoke the fires of superhero admiration with a brand new segment I like to call “Rug Ratez!”
I got the idea when gazing at my beloved cow print pattern rugs. Choosing a bunch of certain characters, I will rate them using rugs, with five rugs being the highest, most radical amount of rugs I can bestow. My rugs are a premium product. The more you have, the more superior you are! Did I mention I may be filing for bankruptcy soon?
Anyway, let’s get things started with one of my personal favourite superheroes, Robin! “But Crazy Davis,” I hear you cry, “Robin isn’t a superhero, he’s a sidekick! He’s nowhere near as cool as the real superheroes like Batman or Superman or Plastic Man!” to which I would reply “You have a point, no one’s as cool as Plastic Man, but you’re also wrong!”
While it is true Robin wouldn’t exist without Batman, he has grown and been developed by a plethora of writers that have expanded his role well beyond being Batman’s technicolour bullet sponge. Robin has become a legacy character, meaning more than one individual has worn the mask and while I love them all dearly, some Robins deserve more rugs than others.
I’ll be rating the Robins based on how well they function with Batman, how they’ve grown without him and how radical I think they are. These factors will all add up to their final Rug Rating. Without further ado, let’s get cracking!
ROBIN NUMBER ONE – DICK GRAYSON
Alright, cut it out. Stop giggling. He was named in the ’40s, okay?
Embarrassing name aside, Dick Grayson was the Robin that started it all, the once and future king of all things Bat-Fam related. If it wasn’t for Dick, the number of ass-kicking vigilantes on Batman’s crew would be at an all time low.
Dick Grayson worked well with Batman for many, many years. This is probably why the majority of Robins you will have seen outside of comic books are in fact, Dicks (Must… suppress… laughter…). He was the grand opening of the Boy Wonder and defines what Robin means to Batman in its purest form. Yes siree, the original dynamic duo were truly unstoppable.
Until the day that they weren’t. Dick got fed up with a supporting role and struck out to become a star of his own and boy oh boy, what a star he turned out to be. Dick Grayson became the solo vigilante Nightwing, the sleekest, smoothest and raddest crimefighter with the best ass in the business. Seriously, look it up. Nightwing is literally famous for his booty. That alone gives him at least two rugs.
Dick Grayson was always a little dorky when he was Robin, and that has rubbed off on the majority of people, people like that jerk in the beginning who said he wasn’t as cool as Plastic Man. But Nightwing? Nightwing is a stand out character in his own right, an individual that forges his own path as an independent man and looks good while doing it.
RUG RATING – 4 out of 5 RUGS
ROBIN NUMBER TWO – JASON TODD
This is how it feels when Robins cry…
The literal red-headed stepchild of the Bat-Fam, Jason Todd never quite fit the scaly green underpants and pixie boots of the Robin costume. Violent, angry and impulsive, Batman brought the little runt under his wing when he caught him red-handed stealing the tires off the Batmobile in the hopes of making him something more. But he made him dead instead.
When he was alive, Jason functioned as a half decent replacement for Dick, though he was very rough around the edges. This led to a lot of tension and butting heads between the Bat and the Bird, resulting in a fairly rocky relationship. At the end of the day however, they were a good family. Until Jason found his actual mother and went on a quest that ended with the Joker, a crowbar and an exploding warehouse. Batman lost both a partner and a son on that tragic day.
But hark! Jason’s story doesn’t end with his death. Few superhero stories do. Through means that are varied throughout multiple incarnations of Batman lore, Jason Todd came back from the dead. He adopted the identity of the Red Hood, a mantle previously held by the Joker, and waged his own war on crime with a small amendment to Batman’s no killing rule i.e. lots of it. Coming back from the dead, stealing the name of the murderer and using it to kill even more criminals so it could never happen to you or anyone again is the most hectic and insane thing a Robin could do and nobody does it like Jason. With a combination of Batman’s training and his own lack of mercy, the Red Hood is a twisted avenger and a perfect example of how a Robin can go wrong.
But as you can see from my drooling over him, a Robin going wrong is just so right. It’s the epitome of a perfect character reinvention. From a routine replacement to an awesome anti-hero, I just can’t get enough of Jason Todd. He may have been a one and done Robin, but he absolutely slays as Red Hood.
RUG RATING – 4.5 out of 5
ROBIN NUMBER THREE – DAMIAN WAYNE
Step aside everyone, here comes the Bat’s brat!
I’ll admit, I have come around to Damian over the years. He was really sprung upon us, being Batman’s actual son, usurping Tim Drake’s role as Robin almost immediately and being more than a little lax on the No-Killing rule, it took me a long time to actually like Damian.
So what made me give Damian the thumbs up? His Dad. Not because he told me too, but because of how he’s been treating him. The biological connection helps a lot, but Batman is willing to teach his son the ways of the Bat and Damian is now willing to learn. Even if his years of assassin training cause him to make the occasional murderous slip-up, he’s coming to terms with his tendency for lethal force and wanting to change. Who better to help out than his own dad?
But how does he stack up by himself? Well, I’ve read a little of his solo series and he seems to hold up his own. But he’s nowhere near as interesting as his fellow murderous brother, Jason. In fact, he’s basically just a mini-Batman, and given that I find the Robins far more interesting characters than Batman himself, I think that Damian has inhereited his Dad’s disinteresting effect on me.
Despite this, he’s got a great medieval-looking costume and a kick-ass katana. Sometimes his abrasiveness plays off well with his more jovial brothers. But when it comes down to it, I’ll leave him with to his adventures with Batman.
RUG RATING – 3 out of 5
ROBIN NUMBER FOUR – TIMOTHY DRAKE
The original Timomatic!
Man oh man, now we’ve hit the good stuff. You’ve been waiting for this one, haven’t you? So have I. This Robin ticks so many boxes I don’t even know where to start. How about we start with the fact he figured out not only Batman’s identity, but also Dick’s and Jason’s by watching Dick do a triple somersault on TV. Or when Damian replaced him, he struck out on his own to go search for a presumed-dead Batman? Or when he broke out of an prison that was between time and space itself?
Hell, even just the fact that he’s perfectly happy being a Robin. He’s well on his way to being the world’s greatest detective after Batman and destined to become even smarter. Before Damian came along, Tim Drake and Batman were a well-oiled machine, coming just as close to level of ubiquity and recognition than the original dynamic duo. Given that Tim never moved on as far as Nightwing or Jason did, he settled into his role and brought his a-game, even redesigning the Robin costume into its second most recognisable form, doing away with the green undies and throwing out the pixie boots.
However, because he’s been Robin for almost as long as Dick, transitioning into his second identity has been less smooth. He became Red Robin, donning a strange costume with an earless cowl. He’s currently wearing an undeniably ugly brown costume as Drake, which is a terrible code name because it literally exposes his identity. Do you think Spider-Man would ever become “Parker”? No, he wouldn’t. Anyway, the point is that Tim hasn’t flourished as much in his second identity to the degree that Nightwing and Red Hood have. Only time will tell.
Tim more than makes up for it in other aspects of his character though, he even has his own supporting cast in the likes of his crimefighting companion Stephanie Brown AKA Spoiler and recent adversary Ulysses Armstrong AKA The General. Tim Drake deserves all the love he gets and more, any story that has ever involved him has consistently delighted me.
RUG RATING – 5 out of 5
HONOURABLE MENTIONS STEPHANIE BROWN
Ignore the boots coming out of nowhere in the top left.
Steph is better known as Spoiler and even Batgirl, depending on your preferences, so to put it politely, let’s say that those roles suited her a lot better. But this post is about Robins, and she was a Robin, so she definitely deserves a shout-out.
As a Robin, she butted heads with Batman frequently and disobeyed him a fair few times, as she was still used to being a solo act. This led to her beingbeaten to death by Black Mask which brought her career as Robin to a pretty sudden stop. However, she also came back from the dead and left her time as Robin behind her.
So as a Robin, Steph couldn’t quite cut the mustard. But since she’s so much better as anything but, I’ll give her a balanced amount of rugs
RUG RATING – 2.5 out of 5
CARRIE KELLY
Don’t have a Bat-Cow, man! Ay Caramba!
Look, I’ll be honest with you, I haven’t read Dark Knight Returns in yonks, but people seem to like her, so I thought I’d bung her in somewhere.
She’s got a slingshot, that’s cool. And her design influenced Robin in the LEGO Batman Movie, so she’s got that going on for her as well…
I don’t know, gang. Give her your own Rug Rating!
RUG RATING – ????? out of 5
Wowee, what a list! It certainly was a lot longer post than I intended to write. Guess that’s a testament to how much I love Robin! Besides, these new segments have gotta start strong and I couldn’t have chosen a better candidate!
Is there a group of characters or an individual you’d like me to give some rugs too? Let me know down below! I’ve got a few ideas for the next one but I’d love to hear your input, fellow carpet fan!
Alright, better go sew those rugs I cut in half back together and sell ’em at my next clearance sale. See you next week, Rugaholics!
The long awaited conclusion to the most heart-racing, adrenaline pumping and action packed Clone Wars story ever told is finally here. I’m more excited than a cyborg general who’s added another lightsaber to his collection.
Pictured moments before a severe coughing fit
I’m pretty pumped, how about you? It’s been an amazing couple of weeks going through this series, thanks for a hitching a ride on this hectic story train with me. Because now we’re at the final stop!
Quick recap: Asajj Ventress is dead… or is she? Obi-Wan thinks not! So drags Anakin along with him to the Outer Rim to look for her.
Surpise! They find hardcore Jedi killer Durge instead. So Anakin throws him into a sun and using the severed head of a droid Obi-Wan, finds out a Separatist Army are on Boz Pity. Obi, Ani and the Grand Army of the Republic invade the planet in a big ol’ battle royale. Obi-Wan sneaks off to look for himself and just what does he find?
Ventress. He finds Ventress. She’s definitely alive. Dunno why a whole army’s worth of spies couldn’t figure that out but hey, there ya go. At least Obi-Wan gets to be smug about it all.
But there is no time for smugness! For Count Dooku is in the house. He swaggers up behind Obi-Wan and tells him Ventress survived purely through her hatred. Obi-Wan politely disagrees and says it’s something to do with her fear and despair. Now, I’m no Sith (not yet) but I reckon burning hatred and a desire to murder Obi-Wan is a lot more motivating than being a bit sad. Case in point…
“Queen of a Blood-Soaked Planet” happens to be the name of my upcoming death metal album.
Smash cut to the battlefield outside. The Republic forces are digging in their heels. Adi Gallia (Headdress Jedi-Gal) is too busy striking a dramatic pose with Alpha and some other clone boys and doesn’t notice General “Sneaky” Grievous lurking in the background. Before they can say “Evasive action!” the jolly grim cyborg decimates the Clone Troopers, cripples Alpha by stabbing him through the torso and kills Adi.
If you ask me, it’s a better way to go than how she dies in the tv show i.e. being impaled by the horns of Darth Maul’s brother and then stabbed in the back, but being whacked by Grievous is still pretty brutal.
Mace Windu clocks this and becomes very cross with General Grievous. Grievous unwisely taunts Mace Windu, thus leading to Mace striking Grievous down with great vengeance, furious anger and a STAP, one of the Battle Droid’s flying thingies.
On this day, Grievous learnt to never say what again. Or accept a double dare.
Alpha is taking his injury like a champ and asking for a gun despite the fact he’s literally paralysed. Anakin wonders where Obi-Wan is. Obi-Wan answers this by crashing through a nearby window, followed suit by Ventress. Anakin ignites his saber and threatens to kill Ventress again. Obi-Wan slaps him on the wrist and tells him they’ll never reach her with a lightsaber, they have to appeal to her good side. Unfortunately, it happens to be buried deep below layers upon layers of brainwashing, conditioning and the dogma of the Dark Side, all thanks to Count Dooku. Good luck, guys.
Where is Count Dooku, anyway? Oh yeah, he’s getting ready to totally blow this joint, with or without Ventress. He bumps into Mace Windu and sends him tumbling down a hill by getting his Magnaguards to pull him down. Pretty embarrassing, Mace. Next thing you’re gonna tell me is you let someone throw you out of a window. Like that’d ever happen. Anyhoo, Dooku’s posse manage to find Grievous, who is looking pretty hammered.
ANAKIN: Hey, that’s a pretty good line, Ventress. Think I’ll use it myself.
After that pretty impressive kick, Ventress runs after Dooku. Dooku makes a pretty bold choice and orders his Magnaguard to shoot her. Apparently because she’s ‘too far away’ and ‘she might become a prisoner.’ Dooku, if she’s close enough for you to shoot her, then she’s close enough to get to your damn escape shuttle. Furthermore, you went to all this effort to get her resurrected only to shoot her immediately after. I don’t know, man. Seems like a dick move, even for you.
As Ventress lays on the ground, Obi-Wan rushes up to her as Anakin tries to catch up to Dooku. Obi-Wan calls out to him and explains that Anakin is basically the same thing as Ventress, only if Darth Maul had raised him instead of Qui-Gon. I feel that’s not strictly an apt comparison, but it seems to work. Besides, Count Dooku has already fled.
Asajj, while dying, tries one last time to kill Obi-Wan, this time with a bit of shrapnel. Anakin catches her in the act and manages to kill her a second time with a lightsaber slash to the back. Bully for him. But Obi-Wan actually says Anakin probably did the right thing this time, and it was he that was right all along. Yet Anakin helps himself to another piece of humble pie and says he only did it because he was scared Obi was gonna die…
Oh wait, she is alive—And she’s dead again. Damn.
With her final words, Ventress finally succumbs to her wounds and dies for real. Obi-Wan’s quest is finally over. The medical frigates start flying as the battle is wrapping up too. Anakin sends Alpha off to a bacta tank and Obi-Wan sends Ventress off to Coruscant for a nice funeral. As Anakin ruminates that today doesn’t feel like a victory, Mace Windu chimes in with this gem:
“In any war, the only decisive battle is the last one.”
Whatever the heck that means.
And so, with the battle over and brothers reunited in war, Anakin and Obi-Wan set off to—Wait, hang on. There’s an epilogue.
Goddamn, will ANYTHING keep this woman down? You go, girl.
Okay, now we’ve finally reached the end of Star Wars: Obsession! What a fantastic journey it’s been. With highs such as Obi-Wan’s bad ass armour and Durge kicking ass and only a few lows like improbable hyperspace mechanics and Count Dooku treating his henchwomen like disposable napkins. But through it all, we’ve had a lot of fun.
This May the 4th will be one long remembered in the history of Crazy Davis and even Star Wars, as I made it last for the whole dang month. If that doesn’t make me one crazy-ass fan, I don’t what else will. Apart from turning the carpet shop into a Star Wars themed restaurant. I think I’ll write that down.
Thank you to the folks of Bone Moe for their unconditional and unsanctioned support of this blog, Connor the editor who tamed my wild and frantic prose and all you lovely folks who spent your time reading this love letter to a near-forgotten side of Star Wars I just had to share with you. See you all next week and if you need a carpet or a novelty desert shaped like Chewbacca’s head, look no further than me! Crazy Davis! Ciao!
WELCOME BACK, EVERYONE! It’s the issue you’ve all been waiting for!
Well, maybe not all of you. You’ve probably got some other things going on in your life. But if you knew half of the absolute insanity that goes down in this issue, you would have been begging me to talk about it a day early!
This penultimate issue is where things really start to heat up, so what are we waiting for?
Obi-Wan and Anakin are having a friendly sparring session and certainly aren’t throwing any accusations at each other. Even if they were arguing, it certainly wouldn’t be about how they’re both distracted by a significant female in their lives or dare I say… obsessed? But yeah, Obi and Ani are totally hounding each other for thinking too much about Ventress and Padme, respectively. Will this contribute further to their divide and eventual duel to the death? No, because this story never happened! Still, it was a great way to sow enmity between them before we got the Clone Wars series though. A poignant conflict indeed.
Anyway, Mace Windu moseys on in and says “Look, we were minding our own business until Bail ran off to pick you guys up, so I’m just gonna humour you both and attack Boz Pity with ya.” So, Mace promptly brings them both into a briefing room.
EVERYONE IS HERE!
This Jedi squad reveal that they just happened to be doing their own sieges in the area and have conveniently decided to drop everything and help a brother out. However, this isn’t because they believe Ventress is alive. Boz Pity, the planet that Durge made a sneaky stop too last issue, currently has a Separatist blockade. The Jedi squad have no idea why it’s been fortified like this, but they figure it’s worth a look.
But there are over one hundred warships forming the blockade. What are the Jedi and their loyal clones to do to get past? Fortunately, Obi-Wan has a nifty idea. He shoves Anakin into the pilot’s seat of the Dorito ship and tells him to jump out of hyperspace behind the blockade, between the warships and the planet.
Makes perfect sense, right? That’s why everyone did it in the Clone Wars to completely evade blockades with no resistance whatsoever. If you still think The Last Jedi has the most implausible use of hyperspace ever, I don’t know what to tell ya. I mean, Anakin mentions he could collide with the planet’s mass shadow as well, so at least some thought went into it (unlike “lightspeed skipping”. Go jump in a lake, JJ). Also, I always get a kick out of these next two panels.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that a Venator-Class Star Destroyer goes “SKREE” when braking or the fact that it even has ‘brakes’.
Amazingly, the plan works. Sort of. Anakin brakes a bit too close to Boz Pity and is caught in its gravitational pull. The Dorito ship unloads its starfighters to engage the warships just before it comes crashing down. Another happy landing.
As ace pilot Saesee Tiin tells everyone to hurry up down there, Obi-Wan says Ventress is here for sure this time. Mace reckons that the butt-ton of Battle Droids that are here doesn’t prove that. But they wanna blow them up anyway, so everyone trots off to attack the Separatist base.
A big ol’ battle ensues! Tentacle Jedi-Guy Kit Fisto cuts a Super Battle Droid in half! Horned Jedi-Guy Agen Kolar force pushes a bunch of the off their spindly little legs. Face-Mask Jedi-Guy Plo Koon slices another Super Battle Droid with an orange lightsaber? He used to have an orange lightsaber in Legends and now he’s got a blue one. Doesn’t matter, let’s move on!
Our heroes make it to the Separatist base and attempt to lock down the entrance. Some Jedi named Bayts and Adi Gallia surge forward to do so. But a shadowy figure looms over Gallia and surprise surprise, it’s Revenge of the Sith’s very own original antagonist General Grievous! Stand up and take a bow, Grievous!
…Or just, kill that guy. Whatever works for you.
Mace Windu tells everyone to regroup but also asks where in the nine moons of Endor is Obi-Wan. Turns out Obi-Wan magically snuck past Grievous and is causally strolling through the front door of the Separatist base. Don’t let the lethal cyborg commander behind you be a bother, Obi-Wan. You just continue on your little quest.
But lo and behold; The quest is about to come to an end…
Son of a bacta tank! It’s Asajj-Flippin’-Ventress in the flesh!
Nobody panic, but Obi-Wan has just found Ventress! He was right along! Vindication! Dearie me, what will happen next in the finale of this epic series?! Come to the Den of Crazy Davis next week and you’ll bloody well find out!
Thanks for coming all this way with me and seeing this series through with me to the near end. You better tune in for the next one so we can see how it all wraps up together!
We last left Obi-Wan and Anakin on the trail of Dark Side assassin Asajj Ventress, presumed to killed by Anakin but Obi-Wan ain’t too keen on swallowing that pill. So determined in his search is he that he has found himself caught in a trap set by fearsome bounty hunter Durge. Obi-Wan skives off to find Durge’s ship to get some answers as Anakin and Durge prepare to face off, with this absolutely killer exchange.
Now that’s how you open a comic book!
Durge clocks Anakin across the face, stabs him in the bicep with his spiky inhuman hand straight out of a John Carpenter flick and tosses him across the room, all the while saying “You’re probably the fastest Jedi I’ve killed. And I’ve killed A lot of Jedi.” Maybe Anakin isn’t as bad ass as I thought. Hmmm.
Meanwhile Obi-Wan manages to find out where Durge’s ship is parked but who cares about that back to Durge vs Anakin!
Durge decides to do some redecorating by throwing Anakin through a wall. It’s beginning to look a lot like a Batman vs Bane situation (or a Darth Vader vs Luke in Episode V situation) when Anakin notices a nearby wall absolutely slathered with armed with armed explosives.
Anakin calls Durge insane, to which he agrees. He then says the timers are running out. Anakin promptly replies “Good,” and uses the Force to hurl every last one of the explosives right at Durge.
Obi Wan manages to find Durge’s ship, and it’s looking very snazzy. I kind of dig the retro-futurist vibe of it, and its in a lovely shade of red. Upon sneaking inside Obi-Wan discovers the pilot droid inside is a matching colour. How quaint. I bet Obi-Wan’s gonna get some very useful information from it. Good for him. Anyway, back to Durge vs Anakin.
Oh, Jesus Christ! It’s like the Predator and Grimace had a baby!
Fortunately, due to Durge’s lack of foresight, the fight begins to turn around. Durge has lost his ability to spit pithy remarks about how good he is at killing Jedi and can now only scream incoherently. Anakin chalks this up to his electronic voicebox melting, and wishes that it had also silenced him. The bounty hunter is now reduced to someone about as competent as Boba Fett in Return of the Jedi as he wildly swings at Anakin with all sense of grace vanished.
Anakin switches off his lightsaber and seizes Durge’s mind, soothing him and taking control of his body. He manages to steer Durge towards a nearby escape pod. Anakin launches the pod from the ship, then grabs hold of it with the force. He begins to turn it towards a nearby sun, which just happens to be there of course. Anakin does some fancy hand gestures and sends the escape pod on a beeline for the sun, while Durge pathetically claws at the viewport trying to get out to utterly no avail. The escape pod is swallowed up by the blazing hot ball, as Anakin turns away as if he’s got a minor headache. RIP Durge. You will be somewhat missed.
So now the ship is exploding and our plucky little Jedi friends need to put a boogie in their hoogie and get on out. Obi-Wan has managed to snag the head of Durge’s pilot droid to mount on his mantel but also to find clues about Ventress, I guess. He asks Anakin where Durge is and Anakin says he’s dead.
My favourite part in this issue is this next bit. Obi-Wan does not ask how Anakin managed to kill a guy that was beating him to paste a moment earlier but instead tells him off for killing an enemy that could have given them valuable intel. Hopefully, it’ll be the last time he does something like that, wink wink.
The dynamic space-duo make it to their ships and zoom on out, but are met with a bunch of vulture droids. Things are looking bleak for Ani and Obi when suddenly:
Wha-Bam! Republic ships outta nowhere! Does anyone else here a soft rendition of the Imperial March in the background… ?
It’s Bail Organa! Leia’s Foster-Dad! With Mace Windu! And Alpha-17, who’s kind of like Captain Rex if he had the personality of a Call of Duty protagonist. They talked about coming to the outer rim before, remember? Like, two issues ago? Doesn’t matter, the point is, they pull Anakin and Obi-Wan’s butts out of the frying pan and the fire.
When they’re safely on board the giant metal Dorito, Bail fills him on why they happened to pop up. Bail says they responded to a ‘distress signal.’ Obi-Wan says they didn’t send one. Bail gives a sly wink as he’s all like “I know, but the folks upstairs don’t gotta know.” and asks Obi if he’s still on his quest, because the republic spies have confirmed Ventress has kicked the bucket.
Obi-Wan flips his lid and is about to go off at Bail before Anakin pipes up with “Nah yeah, she is still alive. Durge dropped her off right before he attacked the Correllian billionaire.” But where was she dropped off? A little place called TATOOINE.
Just kidding, it’s a planet called Boz Pity. And what is Boz Pity. Guess you’re gonna have to wait ‘til issue four! We’re wrapping it up soon, folks! The end is in sight. Thanks for coming this far, and join me next week as we start the beginning of the end of this kick-ass miniseries.
ALRIGHTY FOLKS, I’M back! I hope you enjoyed your May the Fourth. You may be done celebrating Star Wars, but I’m sure as hell not! I’ve still got four more issues to cover of Star Wars: Obsession to cover. You know, the one that’s set five months before Revenge of the Sith? Yeah, you know the one. No, I won’t bother with a recap! Go read the last post instead. It’s got great re-read value.
Anyway, where was I? Oh that’s right, Issue 2! Woo Hoo! This one’s another bonza, less conversations with secret wives and lots more action! Even fire! Yes, fire! So you know I’m down for it. Let’s get started!
We’re back on Naboo, the planet that should have been Alderaan in my opinion (think about it, the first planet the Death Star destroys would also be the homeworld of Anakin’s true love. And Emperor Palpatine! And Jar Jar Binks! Madness). Anakin is having a such a lovely breakfast with his secret wife that it’s making him go all “Humm, Haaa, I don’t know if I like this whole Jedi thing anymore, I don’t even wanna pick up my lightsaber again, I really like you, Padme. Isn’t Chancellor Palpatine so great?” Basically, the guy’s ready to pack it all in for Padme, but she’s not having a bar of it.
But before they can finish, in comes Kenobi. He apologises for interrupting breakfast and asks Anakin to help him out. But Anakin is not having a bar of Obi Wan’s krayt spit (that’s Star Wars speak for bullshit) and tells him “I bloody killed Ventress, mate. You’re searching for a stiff.”
Obi Wan relents and tells him he wants to stop the Correlian billionaire’s assassination instead. But Anakin calls krayt spit again and says Obi Wan is chasing a ghost. Padme pipes up and says to her secret husband that Obi Wan needs him. Obi Wan agrees and says every other Jedi was taken. Anakin takes this well, of course.
It’s poignant and emotional moments like this that make me wonder… what does R2-D2 think about all this?
After two pages of Yoda, Mace Windu, Bail Organa and my boy Papa Palpatine having a chat about taking an excursion to the outer rim, we cut to Obi Wan and Anakin chillin’ in the Karthakk Sector. It’s been hours and literally nothing has happened. Anakin starts whinging about the Jedi Council not giving him any missions when the Correlian billionaire’s ship jumps out of hyperspace. Anakin and Obi Wan move a little closer and find it’s swarming with battle droids but there are no life signs on board. So they fly into the ship for a closer peep.
Aaaaaand everyone on the ship is dead. Anakin says “It’s just bloody droids and not Ventress, ya berk. Can we go home yet?” Obi Wan rolls his eyes and they move to the command deck. Anakin finds the corpse of the Correlian billionaire and notices there’s something in their hand. But Anakin should have been a lot more careful. Why is that? Well, you’ll have to ask C-3PO.
As is the Star Wars tradition, the situation is indeed “a trap”, laid by none other than fearsome and ruthless bounty hunter Durge.
Now who is Durge? Good question, but it has a loooooong answer. Best to save him for another post down the line. Basically, he makes Jango Fett and General Grievous look like a pair of Ewoks.
Durge proceeds to lay the smackdown on Obi-Wan as Anakin gets back up. He rolls his eyes at Obi-Wan and quotes The Matrix as he tells Durge to “Dodge this,” and sends a sea of shrapnel towards him that buries him in scrap metal.
Obi Wan realises he’s been played like a fiddle and Anakin says “No spit, you told every bad guy and their son that you’re looking for Ventress!” Obi-Wan goes “Fair cop” and then Durge pops back up. He lunges at Anakin but Obi-Wan finds some random cables on the ground and electrifies Durge. He falls to the floor and as Obi-Wan hopes out loud that will shut him up, Durge blows up the bombs he’s set all over the ship.
Obi-Wan tells Anakin to keep Durge busy as he buggers off. Anakin asks where the bloody hell he’s off to and Obi-Wan says he’s gonna find Durge’s ship.
Anakin demonstrating his legendary self-confidence. Go get ’em, sport.
Another fantastic issue, with a cliff-hanger to boot! What will happen next? Will Durge beat the stuffing out of Anakin? Will Obi-Wan find more clues on the hunt for Ventress? Will Padme get to finish her breakfast? All those questions and more answered on next week’s coverage of Star Wars: Obsession by me, Crazy Davis! I’ll be back faster than you can say “Watch those wrist rockets!”
Get Forced, CD
MAY THE 4TH be with you!
The day is upon us folks! I’ve closed up the carpet shop for the day to observe this day of near-religious proportions. If any of my idiot customers ignore the giant closed sign on my front door and decide they want to waltz on in, I’ve set a tripwire up that launches a bunch of LEGO Tie Fighters at them. I’ve also got a real lightsaber. Don’t ask how I got it.
Figure 1: Diagram of Crazy Davis’ Crazy Carpets fortifications
Anyhoo, how am I celebrating May the 4th? I’m glad you asked. Every now and then, I dabble in a bit of light reading. Air conditioner manuals, labels on sauce bottles and the Communist Manifesto. But as you may have surmised, comics are my jam, and when I found out that Star Wars comics were a thing, I was happier than I was when I sold my first throw rug.
So that’s how I’m celebrating this May the 4th; Smashing Star Wars and Comic Books together and sifting through the rubble! As such, this undertaking can only be split up into five parts. Yes, five! I told you something special was coming, didn’t I? Now listen up, strap in and unsheathe those laser swords, ‘cuz we’re gonna get right into it.
There’s no doubt that the best thing to happen to Star Wars in recent years is Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Truly a fantastic and powerful series that, dare I say, would be on par, if not better than Star Wars: The Rise of Kylo Ren. But I’m not going to talk about either of them. Not yet at least. Instead, I’m gonna take you back. Waaaaay back…
Fifteen years ago, before Ahsoka, before Kylo Ren and even before Babu Frik, the Clone Wars was regarded in a very different light. In fact, it wasn’t very light at all. It was an edgy, bleak and frankly quite depressing era in the grand continuity of Star Wars tales. This precursor to the more lighthearted Clone Wars we know today featured in many comics published by the appropriately named company Dark Horse. These comics have been retroactively declared non-canon when Mickey Mouse bought the rights to the Star Wars franchise in 2015, so the stories depicted in these comics technically never happened. But by no means does that make them any less badass.
Figure 2: Legends stories are everything that came before excluding the 2008 Star Wars: The Clone Wars series. Canon Star Wars stories are any Star Wars media produced after being brought by Disney in 2015 and all of the films.
Star Wars: Obsession is one of these stories and hoo boy, it is a doozy. I’ll be breaking each issue down one by one so the story can tell itself rather than giving you a synopsis. So let’s get right into it. Side note: This story takes place five months before Revenge of the Sith, just so you can get your heads around its place in the timeline a bit better.
We open on a thrilling swoop bike chase through a swamp with no Shrek in sight. However, a bunch of green skinned ogre looking types are chasing a mysterious masked rider. On of them asks if he’s worth all this trouble and his fellow ogre says he’s carrying a lightsaber, which would be enough to buy a whole fleet of swoop bikes! So the masked rider continues to flee towards the large city built on the swamp as the ogres relentlessly pursue their living paycheck. The masked rider yells “Move!’ as he approaches a drawbridge over the swampy waters full of civilians. They flee the bridge as the masked rider tilts his swoop bike underneath the bridge at the last possible second, skimming the water and emerging on the other side unscathed. One of his pursuers fumbles the same maneuver and sends the bridge up in flames. The surviving ogre chases the masked rider towards a jetty. The masked rider’s bike leaps off the swoop bike as the ogre guns it down. He crashes into the ground but uses the momentum to spring back up onto his feet. The masked rider says “You should have let me pass through the swamps unchallenged.” as he reaches for his lightsaber. The ogre replies “Shut up and die.” They charge forward on their swoop bike. But the masked rider is faster. He ignites his lightsaber and slashes the ogre in half, causing their bike to career off the jetty and into a tree, erupting in a massive fireball. Some ruffians approach the masked rider, who senses their presence without turning around.
Just who is this masked badass?!
Needless to say things go badly for this ruffian as the masked rider sends him flying through the window of of a nearby tavern. Most of the patrons scatter except for one, a blue skinned Twi’lek woman. She pulls down her hood and accuses the masked rider of stating that they were going to make a subtle entrance into the city. The masked rider takes off his mask and who could it but none other than Obi-MotherEffin’-Wan Kenobi. In a hood! And some dope ass armour! And looking a little worse for wear.
Obi Wan says the swamps were almost too hot to handle and asks Master Aayla Secura to cut to the chase. She informs Obi-Wan that powerful weapons dealer named Xist is providing intel to the bad guys that is pertinent to Obi Wan’s mission. Aayla suggests to Obi-Wan that he seek the help of his former apprentice Anakin Skywalker but Obi Wan wryly states he is sure Anakin wouldn’t want to be disturbed
This is very much the case, as we cut to Anakin landing his ship at a private palace on Naboo which belongs to his secret wife, Padme Amidala. Anakin tells her they have ten whole days to hang out, so they mark the occasion with a big ol’ kiss. Adorable.
Meanwhile, back in the exciting part of the galaxy Obi-Wan Kickass-obi assaults the fortress of Xist. Obi-Wan duels and beats him as he proclaims he is looking for none other than Asajj Ventress, Count Dooku’s Force-wielding assassin that was presumed dead. Xist reveals he has heard rumours of her survival too.
On Naboo, Padme and Anakin are having a much more civil conversation about how the Clone Wars are coming to an end.
“My Friend.” Yeah right. Let’s see how friendly he is after he slices your legs off.
Smash cut back to Obi-Wan and Xist. They’re sipping some space wine as Xist tells Obi-Wan of a hit being called on some Correlian billionaire, with “Dooku’s best assassin” supposedly on the job. Despite being a vague and misleading tidbit, Obi-Wan decides to take this gangster’s word for it. It’s not as if he’s a criminal who’s providing weapons to your enemy, right?
He asks for a permission slip from the Jedi Council to keep trailing Asajj. They tell him to just get on with it already so he can get back to the front lines. Aayla gives him her starfighter and Obi-Wan goes off to play gooseberry with Anakin, dragging him away from his secret wife to search for a girl that’s probably dead.
How great was that? And it’s only issue one! What a rush. This is possibly my longest post yet, I sure hope it was as fun for you as it was for me. I’ll be back for issue two some time next week so don’t touch that holo-dial! May the 4th be with you, always. At least until next year.
WORLD OF MADNESS 